Indie author wishes

So I met this genie the other day. He was in line ordering a coffee and I couldn’t help myself.

“So you’re a genie right?” I said awkwardly. “Why don’t you just zap yourself up some java instead of standing in line?”

At first he seemed kind of annoyed that I was talking to him, but then he relaxed and said, “I force myself to get out every now and then, see what’s going on with the world.”

“I know what you mean.”

“Yeah you do. You writers, all holed up for months tapping away for the sake of some story. And you don’t even know if anyone’s gonna read it.”

“I’m sorry.” I said, just a little indignantly. “Do you know me?”

“Oh, sorry dude. It’s the minor omniscience thing, I know everybody a little.”

“Wow. That’s a party trick.”

“Yeah,” He took his coffee and winked at the girl behind the counter, “It takes some practice but eventually you learn to tune it all out.” He turned to find a table. “Sit with me?”

What an opportunity! I followed him to a nice table at the window and got comfortable in one of the two cushy leather chairs. I had barely took a sip of my gigantesco half-soy organic double decaf mochalattecapafrothachino when he hit me with: “So, as an indie author, what three writing-related things would you wish for?”

I thought carefully, everyone knows that wishes can be dangerous things and I wasn’t sure if this was hypothetical wishing or of he was going to bust out the sparkle and swizzle. I fought the urge to fight him on the ‘writing-related’ restriction and go for a new racing green Jaguar F-Type, perfect health and a billion English pounds in a tax-free Swiss bank account and in the end, I just played along. “Okay, first thing – I would wish for an easy way for indie books to get into main stream book stores. What author doesn’t want to walk into any bookstore in the world and see their book on the shelf?”

“Okay so you mean like a hard copy book available to everyone in the world, that kind of thing?”

He understood. Wonderful. “Exactly. Now the second wish is a bit trickier. You can’t have everyone who puts words on a page slapping any old junk out there so there has to be a check and balances system.”

“You’re saying that authors should have to submit their work through some kind of process that makes sure that their work is good enough for public consumption.”

“Yes, but we’re not talking right wing censorship, just some way to make sure that the term ‘indie author’ isn’t associated with crap writing.”

“I see your point.” He sipped his espresso with a raised pinky and peered at me through gold eyes that were neither menacing nor benevolent but carried a weight of seriousness that made me suddenly very nervous. “And the third?”

I took a deep breath. “Well, that third is the hardest part. No author goes it alone. They need editing, feedback and guidance; not only with their story but how to build a platform, marketing, cover design, web presence not to mention laying out the hard copy book. That alone can be a serious undertaking. I mean you got the desktop publishing programs to buy, then the knowledge of a graphic designer and-”

“Yeah I get it dude. Just-”  

“Right, sorry but it’s a lot of stuff.”

He set down his now empty espresso cup. “The last wish is always like this. Every one wants to cover all of the loose ends, so for simplicity’s sake we’ll just call it ‘a bundle’. I just want to know the gist of it.”

He was right. I was trying to put too much into the last one. At least he had obliged me, now I just wanted to wrap this up quickly. He was the last guy in the world I wanted to irritate. “Let’s call it ‘support’. Editing, proofreading, design and art direction, marketing and distribution; all the classic business model stuff, but for free.” I held my breath. Maybe I had gone too far with the last one.

The genie picked up his glass of water, took a drink and swished it around in his mouth. Then he stood and swallowed. Looking down at me he nodded and smiled. “Interesting.” He walked out of the coffee shop, leaving me staring after him. Just as the glass door closed I heard his voice in my head. “Granted.”

I felt no shockwave. There were no lights or color flashes, just me and my expensive, now cold, large mug of coffee. Then it hit me. I had just wished for something I already had.

That’s my bloggy bit for the week. Now it’s time for a little segment called:

WHAT I’M UP TO

With all of these writing projects I’m working on, a new book getting ready to publish on Big World Network and other projects that have been written that I’m waiting to hear back on, it’s wonderful to know that The Shielding of Mortimer Townes is the one that’s out there and getting read.

Episode 8 is on the Big World Network web site but on my side of things we’re just about to wrap up the last episode: number 12. The exciting part about that is that shortly after that it becomes available as a paperback book, a downloadable eBook and a full audio book package from sites like Amazon, Barnes & Noble and Audible.

While all of that is going on my editors at BWN will be starting work on my full-length science fiction novel Augmentia. I’m very much looking forward to launching that soon! Of course I’m writing new stories and working on polishing up others that are waiting in the wings so stay tuned! And thanks for staying tuned. As matter o fact I just finished a little thank you video that been posted on The Shielding of Mortimer Townes BWN website: http://bigworldnetwork.com/site/series/theshieldingofmortimertownes/

as well as the BWN YouTube channel. Until next week, read lots and remember that if a genie offers you hypothetical wishes, argue for the Jag.

Dungeon Masters and Drone Strikes

The most common question for any creative person is: ‘Where do your ideas come from?’ Right on track with this is the other most common question: ‘Where do you get your inspiration?’ If you ever find yourself interviewing any creative person, do them a favor and avoid asking these kinds of questions because there are only three possible answers; the most common being ‘They come from God.’ The second is ‘I haven’t a clue.’ And the third: ‘I’m a creative genius, now go and bring me a sandwich.’ Of course there is a fourth one and the one I try to use when responding to such banal lines of questioning, and that is ‘Drone strike.’ I use this mainly because it seems to be the popular answer to most questions these days. The truth is that most of my ideas come from Dungeons and Dragons.

When I was younger I played a lot of two things: guitar and D&D. Most of the time I ended up as the Dungeon Master – which is the person who makes up the story line of the campaign, places beasties in a appropriate locations and then turns them loose on the hapless characters. Sound familiar? Yep, it’s exactly what authors do. Dungeon Mastering is prime training ground for budding authors. I heartily recommend that college level creative writing classes start including DM-ing in their curriculum and here’s why.

The DM has to outline the plot but by no means are events going to turn out like the DM plans, much like a novel. The most interesting (and challenging) part is that each character is played by a real life person. That means that things like this happen:

            DM: “At the end of the passageway is a ‘T’ junction. To the right it goes down about twenty feet and ends in a golden door, to the left it goes about twenty feet and open in a cliff face which plummets several thousand feet to a river of lava. What do you do?”

            Half-elf ranger: “I throw the dwarf at the door, breaking it off then jump off the cliff with the dwarf and the door. Using the door as a surf board I ride down the river of lava to enter the dragon’s lair by the back entrance where we sneak in and steal the stone of Alkabrekablech and skedaddle before the dragon wakes up.”

            DM: Okay, slow down – first the dwarf throwing. Roll and seventeen or more.”

            Dwarf fighter: “Wait a second here. I knock the ranger out, feed him to the dragon then steal the stone while he’s busy munching.”

Thank you mister Dwarf. My point exactly. Anything can happen and, to be sure, most probably will. As a matter of fact, just like in life, the most probable thing that happens is usually the thing you never would have thought of.

Now I’m sure that you’re thinking “Well why don’t people just record D&D sessions to write books?” and the answer is: they do! And to see the result, I refer you to a Jim C. Hines article on the subject: http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2014/12/02/jim-c-hines-how-to-turn-your-dd-campaign-into-a-really-bad-novel/

Okay so the campaign itself may not result in a great story but it makes good practice. So all you budding writers out there grab a dice pack, sixteen bags of Doritos, forty liters of Mountain Dew and lock yourself in the basement with a few friends for a weekend of D&D! And if you’re a creative professional and you ever get asked where you get your ideas from, remember: drone strike, it’s the American answer to everything.